Preparing your older child for a new baby, and handling jealousy

Most older children have mixed feelings about a new baby, and some jealousy and "baby" behaviour is normal.¹ Research shows children react in very different ways: some struggle for a while, some leap ahead, and some barely change.² Telling your child early, keeping her routine steady, and giving her time alone with you make the change easier for everyone.

How do I prepare my toddler for a new baby?

Talk about the baby in simple words, read books about new siblings, and involve her in getting ready. Reassure her often that you will love her just as much.¹

The AAP suggests:¹

• Bring up the baby when it comes up naturally, such as when buying baby clothes or when she asks about your growing tummy.
• Show her photos of herself as a baby.
• Give her a doll to look after "her" baby.
• Be honest: the baby will be sweet, but will cry a lot and take up your time.
• Let her help choose things for the baby.
• Explain where she will stay and who will look after her while you are in hospital.

Children under 2 understand little of what is coming, so keep it short and cheerful. Your mood will rub off on her.¹

When should I tell my child about the new baby?

For a toddler, a few months before the birth is usually enough. Time means little to a 2-year-old, and nine months is a very long wait.

Older children may notice changes, or hear relatives talking, much earlier. It is better that she hears it from you than from a cousin. Link the date to something she understands: "The baby will come when it is cold" or "after Durga Puja".

Should I make changes to my toddler's routine before the baby comes?

Yes, if you can. Finish toilet training or the move from cot to bed well before the birth, or wait until the baby has settled in.¹

A child who has to learn a new skill, give up her cot and meet a new baby all in the same month often feels overwhelmed.¹ If she is starting playschool, try to start a couple of months before the birth, or leave it until afterwards. Above all, keep her daily rhythm (meals, bath, bedtime story) as steady as possible.

Is sibling jealousy normal?

Yes. Jealousy is a normal reaction to sharing your parents with a new baby, especially for children aged 2 to 4.¹

Preschoolers are still learning to share, and they may feel they have to compete for your attention.¹ A large review of 30 studies found that firstborns often became less affectionate and responsive towards their mother after a sibling arrived.² Changes in other behaviours, like sleep, worry or aggression, were much less consistent.²

Jealousy is a feeling, not a fault. Let her say "I don't like the baby" without telling her off. You can answer: "It is hard sharing Mummy. I still love you so much."

Why is my older child acting like a baby again?

Going back to baby behaviours is common after a new sibling arrives. It is your child's way of checking that she still has your love.¹

A toilet trained child may suddenly start having accidents, or may want a bottle again.¹ Some children also use baby talk or want to be carried everywhere. Research on regression is mixed, and children differ a great deal.²

What helps:¹

• Do not tell her to "act her age".
• Give her the extra attention she is asking for.
• Praise her when she acts grown-up.

Most children settle back in a few weeks to months. If it lasts much longer, or she seems very unhappy, talk to your paediatrician.

How do I give my older child enough attention with a newborn?

Plan a little special time with her every day, and let other family members take her out on their own.¹

• Even 10 to 15 minutes of play, reading or music, with your phone away, means a lot.
• Let her cuddle beside you while you feed the baby.¹
• Ask visitors to spend some time with her too, not only the baby.¹
• A small gift for her, from the baby or from guests, helps her feel included.¹
• Fathers, grandparents and aunts can take her for outings alone.¹

In joint families there is often a lot of fuss over the newborn, especially at the rice ceremony or naming. Make sure someone is fussing over the older one too.

How do I teach my toddler to be gentle with the baby?

Show her how, give her small jobs, and praise every gentle touch. Toddlers learn by doing, not by being told "no".

• Show her how to stroke the baby's feet or hand softly.
• Let her fetch a nappy, sing to the baby, or help at bath time.¹
• For older children, let them hold the baby while sitting, after asking you first.¹
• Praise loudly: "You were so gentle. The baby likes that."¹

Do not expect a 2-year-old to understand that the baby is fragile. She may hug too hard or poke out of curiosity. That is why supervision matters more than lectures.

What should I do if my toddler hits the baby?

Step in calmly at once, move the baby out of reach, and tell her firmly that hitting is not allowed. Then help her with the feeling behind it.

Say: "I will not let you hit the baby. You can be cross, but you cannot hurt." Then redirect her to something else, or give a short time-out if she is old enough.³ Do not smack her for hitting: it teaches that hitting is how big people solve problems.

Later, when she is calm, give her attention for something positive. In Dr Dutta's experience, children who get more attention for kindness than for hitting soon hit less.

How do I keep my newborn safe from a toddler?

Never leave a young child alone with the baby, even for a minute. Toddlers love babies but do not understand danger.

• Do not let your toddler pick up or carry the baby on her own.
• Keep small toys, coins, beads and button batteries off the floor and away from the baby.
• Put the baby's cot or bouncer where a toddler cannot climb in or tip it.
• Do not let an older child sleep in the same bed as the baby. The baby should sleep on her back on her own firm, flat surface.⁴
• Keep pillows, soft toys and blankets out of the baby's sleep space.⁴
• Watch out for "feeding" the baby: toddlers may try to share biscuits or grapes.

How do I protect my newborn when my older child is sick?

Keep your sick child's face away from the baby as much as you can, wash hands well, and watch the baby closely for fever.

Older brothers and sisters often bring coughs and colds home from playschool. Practical steps:

• Everyone washes hands before touching the baby.
• Teach the older child to kiss the baby's feet, not the face.
• If possible, a different adult cares for the sick child.
• Keep older children's vaccines up to date.

A baby under 3 months with a temperature of 38 degrees C or more needs to see a doctor urgently, as young babies can become seriously ill quickly.⁵

Can I keep breastfeeding my toddler while pregnant or with a new baby?

Many mothers do, and breastfeeding during a healthy pregnancy does not appear to affect how the pregnancy ends or the baby's birth weight.⁶

A systematic review found no effect on pregnancy outcome or birth weight, but noted that research on the mother's nutrition and the older child's growth is limited.⁶ If your pregnancy is high risk, or you have had early labour before, ask your obstetrician.

If you feed both after the birth (tandem nursing), feed the newborn first so she gets the milk she needs. Eat and drink well, and rest. Many toddlers wean themselves in pregnancy as the milk changes.

How do I manage breastfeeding the baby with a toddler around?

Prepare a feeding corner with a small basket of special toys or books that come out only at feeding time.

Ideas that help:

• Let her cuddle up next to you and turn the pages of a book while you feed.
• Keep water and a snack for her within reach.
• Use feeding times for stories or songs she chooses.
• If a grandparent is around, they can play with her in the next room.

Some toddlers get jealous at the breast in particular. Explain simply that this is the baby's food, just as she has her own food.

What is the best gap between children?

Health research supports waiting at least 18 months after a birth before the next pregnancy. Very short gaps raise the risk of a premature or small baby.^7,8

A large review found that pregnancies starting less than 18 months after a birth were more likely to end with a baby born early, born small, or small for its stage of pregnancy. Gaps of more than 5 years also carried some higher risk.⁷ A Canadian study confirmed that short gaps raise risks for women of all ages.⁸

Data from 17 developing countries found that babies born less than 3 years after an older sibling were more likely to die in infancy or be undernourished, and the author suggested a gap of 3 to 5 years between births.⁹ Spacing also gives the mother's body time to recover, and gives the first child more time as the baby of the family.

How do I handle sibling rivalry as they grow?

Expect squabbles, avoid taking sides, and give each child time and attention of their own.³

• When they fight over a toy, you can simply put the toy away.³
• Do not compare them: "Why can't you be calm like your brother?"
• Treat them fairly, which does not always mean the same.
• Let small arguments run if no one is hurt, and step in for hitting.
• Praise them when they share or play well together.

The way children adjust to a sibling depends on the child, the parents and what else is happening in the family.² A warm, steady relationship between parents also helps.¹

When should I worry about my older child's reaction to the new baby?

Talk to your paediatrician if your older child:

• Keeps trying to hurt the baby, even with close supervision
• Stops eating, or loses weight
• Has regression that lasts more than a few months, or loses skills like speech
• Seems very sad, withdrawn or anxious for weeks
• Has frequent, violent tantrums that are new
• Has problems at playschool that were not there before

Also get help if you feel low, overwhelmed or unable to cope. Looking after two children is hard, and parents' well-being matters too.¹