Toddler tantrums and discipline that works without smacking

Tantrums are a normal part of being a toddler, and they are most common between 1 and 3 years of age.¹ They happen because a small child has big feelings and not yet the words or self-control to manage them. Calm, consistent limits work better than shouting or smacking, which research links to worse behaviour over time.^2,3

Why do toddlers have tantrums?

Toddlers have tantrums because they want independence but cannot yet control strong feelings or explain what they want. A tantrum is frustration spilling over.

At 2 years a child understands far more than she can say. She wants to pour her own milk, choose her own clothes and say no. When she cannot, the feeling comes out as crying, kicking or lying on the floor. Hunger and tiredness make it much more likely.¹

Tantrums are very common. In a study of almost 1,500 preschool children, about 84% had tantrums sometimes, but under 9% had them every day.⁴

At what age do tantrums start and stop?

Tantrums usually start in the second year, are worst between 1 and 3 years, and tend to get better after age 3.¹

In one study of parents, about two in three children began having tantrums at 2 or 3 years of age, and just over half had stopped having them after age 5.⁵ The same study found that close to half of tantrums lasted 5 to 10 minutes.⁵ Boys and girls were no different.⁵

So a tantrum at 2 is expected. Frequent, violent tantrums at 6 deserve a closer look.

How do I handle a toddler tantrum at home?

Stay calm, keep your child safe, and wait for the storm to pass before you talk. Do not give in to the demand that started it.

• Get down to her level and speak little. A child in full tantrum cannot hear a lecture.
• Name the feeling: "You are angry because the TV went off."
• Offer a small choice or a distraction: a different room, a song, another toy.¹
• If she is safe, you can stay nearby and let it run its course.
• When she calms down, give her a hug and move on. No long talk about it.

Hitting, biting, kicking and throwing are different. Stop these straight away, calmly, every time.¹

How do I handle a tantrum in public?

Move your child to a quieter spot, keep her safe, and stay calm. What strangers think matters much less than what your child learns.

A tantrum in a shopping mall or at a family wedding feels awful. A few things help:

• Plan ahead. Feed her before you go out, and carry a snack.¹
• Keep outings short when she is tired.
• Tell her before you go what will happen: "We are buying vegetables, not toys."
• If she runs towards a road or danger, pick her up and hold her firmly.¹
• If she screams for a sweet at the counter, the answer stays no. Giving in teaches her that screaming in public works.

Once you are home, there is no need for punishment. The tantrum is over.

Can tantrums be prevented?

Not all of them, but you can make them much less frequent by avoiding the common triggers and giving your child some control.

• Protect naps and mealtimes. Many tantrums are really hunger or tiredness.¹
• Praise good behaviour as it happens: "You waited so nicely."¹
• Offer two choices instead of a yes or no question: "Red shirt or blue shirt?"¹
• Give a warning before changes: "Five more minutes in the park, then home."
• Choose your battles. Shoes on the wrong feet is not worth a fight.
• Be consistent from day to day.¹

Do time-outs work?

Yes. A short, calm time-out is one of the discipline methods the AAP supports, and research has not found it causes long-term harm.^6,7

One study followed families for years and compared children whose parents used time-out with those whose parents did not. There was no difference in emotional or behaviour problems later, or in the parent and child relationship.⁷

How to do it well:⁶

1. Warn first: "If you throw the blocks again, you will have time-out."
2. If it happens again, say what she did in a few words, without anger.
3. Move her to a dull, safe spot for a set time. A common guide is 1 minute for each year of age.
4. From about 3 years, you can let her come back when she feels calm.

Time-out is not a dark room or a locked door. It is a short break from attention.

Is smacking harmful to children?

Yes. Large reviews show smacking makes behaviour worse over time and has no lasting benefit.^8,3

A meta-analysis (a study that pools many studies) covering over 160,000 children found smacking linked to worse outcomes in 13 of its 17 measures, and its effects looked much like those of physical abuse.⁸ A review of 69 studies that followed children over time found that physical punishment predicted more behaviour problems, was not linked to any good outcomes, and gave some evidence that more punishment meant more harm.³

The AAP says that all physical punishment, and also yelling at or shaming children, works little in the short term and not at all in the long term.² WHO estimates that about 1.2 billion children are physically punished at home every year, and warns that even mild punishment can escalate.⁹

Smacking worked for my parents, so why not for me?

Smacking may stop a behaviour for a moment, but children who are smacked tend to behave worse over the following years, not better.³

Many of us were smacked and turned out fine, and many grandparents in Indian joint families still believe a slap teaches respect. The research does not support it. A child who is hit learns that bigger people use force when they are angry. She learns to fear you, not to understand the rule.

Physical punishment is also linked with a higher chance of contact with child protection services.³ You can be firm, strict even, without hitting.

What should I do instead of smacking?

Use clear rules, praise for good behaviour, calm consequences and time-out. These teach children what to do, not just what not to do.^2,6

• Set a few simple rules and explain them in words she understands.
• Catch her being good, and say exactly what you liked.⁶
• Use logical consequences: toys thrown are put away for the day.⁶
• Follow through every time, without giving in after a few minutes.
• Model the behaviour you want. Children copy how you handle anger.

Group parenting courses help too. A Cochrane review found some evidence that they reduce young children's emotional and behaviour problems in the short term.¹⁰

What if I lose my temper with my child?

Take a break yourself. Make sure your child is safe, step away for a few minutes, breathe, and come back when you are calm.⁶

Every parent shouts sometimes. What matters is what you do next. Once you are calm, go back, give your child a hug, and say sorry if you got it wrong. Then explain how you will handle it next time, and keep that promise.⁶ This shows your child how to recover from a mistake, which is a valuable lesson in itself.

If you often feel close to hitting your child, or you feel low and short of patience most days, talk to your doctor. Exhaustion and depression make parenting much harder, and both can be helped.

Why does my toddler behave worst with the parent they are closest to?

Children often save their worst behaviour for the person they feel safest with. It usually means she trusts you, not that you are doing something wrong.

A toddler may hold herself together all day at playschool or with her grandmother, then fall apart as soon as her mother walks in. She has been working hard to cope, and with you she can let go.

That does not mean you accept hitting or rudeness. Keep the same calm limits. But do not take it as proof that someone else "handles her better". Try to give her some focused time each day, even 10 minutes of play with no phone, as it often reduces the evening meltdowns.

Does my child's temperament affect tantrums?

Yes. Personality shapes tantrums, and some children simply have far more of them than others.¹

Temperament is the inborn style a child brings to the world. One baby takes noise and new faces in her stride. Her brother screams when his routine changes. Neither is good or bad, and neither is the parent's fault.

Knowing your child's style helps you plan. A slow-to-warm child needs warnings and time before a new place. A very active child needs a run in the park before a long family dinner. Comparing siblings or cousins rarely helps.

How do I set limits when grandparents are around?

Agree on a few key rules as a family, and ask grandparents to back you up on those, even if they are softer on other things.

In joint families, a child may run to a grandparent every time a parent says no. Some ideas:

• Talk with grandparents when the child is not present, not in the middle of a tantrum.
• Pick two or three rules that everyone keeps, such as no hitting and no sweets before meals.
• Explain the reason. Many grandparents accept "the doctor says smacking makes behaviour worse" more easily than an argument.
• Let small things go. Extra cuddles from a grandmother do no harm.

Children cope well with some difference between adults. They struggle when one adult cancels the other's rule.

What are breath-holding spells?

A breath-holding spell is when a young child cries hard, stops breathing out, turns blue or pale, and may briefly faint. They are frightening but usually harmless and are outgrown.¹¹

In a study of children with severe spells, they usually started between 6 and 12 months of age, were most frequent between 12 and 18 months, and in children whose spells had ended, the last one came at a median age of about 3 to 3.5 years.¹¹ Up to 15% had a brief fit from lack of oxygen during a spell, and about a third had a family history of spells.¹¹

During a spell, lay your child on her side, keep her safe from injury and wait. Do not shake her or put water in her face. Your doctor may check her haemoglobin, because iron treatment reduced spells in trials, especially in children with iron deficiency anaemia.¹² Please see a doctor after the first spell to make sure it is not a seizure or a heart problem.

When are tantrums not normal?

Tantrums need a closer look if they are very frequent, violent, unpredictable or long, or if your child hurts herself.^4,13

Research on preschool children found that worrying tantrums tended to be unpredictable, prolonged or destructive.⁴ Children with behaviour disorders were more often violent during tantrums, had more tantrums at school or daycare, and found it harder to calm down afterwards. Children with depression more often hurt themselves during tantrums.¹³

When should I see a doctor about my child's tantrums or behaviour?

See your paediatrician if any of these apply:

• Tantrums happen every day, or get worse after age 4
• Your child hurts herself, others or things during most tantrums¹³
• Tantrums happen at playschool or with other carers, not just at home¹³
• She cannot calm down, even with your help¹³
• She also has delayed speech, poor eye contact or loses skills she had
• She turns blue or faints during crying, or has jerking movements
• You feel you might hurt your child, or you cannot cope